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If The Government Ran A Fast Food Restaurant

OAKLAND, CA – MARCH 20: A sign advertising the new Burger King turkey burger is displayed at the drive thru of a Burger King restaurant on March 20, 2013 in Oakland, California. Burger King debuted a limited release turkey burger in an effort to appeal to health-conscious diners. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

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Everyone keeps telling me that the government should be run more like a business. It should be profitable, efficient, and customer driven. But what if main street businesses were run more like the government?

Welcome To Fedburger. May I Take Your Order Please?

After filling out the seven or eight page application you would be able to purchase your Fedburger favorites. No cash would be accepted at your local Fedburger. You would be issued your very own Fedburger debit card. Similar to a Food Stamp Card.

There are no prices on the menu because people would pay for their Fedburgers based on their income and economic circumstances like Uncle Sam loves to do.

For example Person A that has an income of $100,000 would pay $8.00 for their Fedburger. Person B that has an income of $50,000 would pay $6. Why not $4? Government doesn’t’ recognize math as it’s practiced in the real world. Fedburger needs the extra $2 from Person B to be “fair” to Person C.

Person C is at the poverty level so to be fair they get their Fedburger free. In addition they also get a brand new crisp $5 dollar bill with their meal. Fair is Fair.

The Fedburger Menu

Menu items at privately run fast food restaurants are not politically correct. “French fries” are offensive to those residents of France. International Fries would be preferable. “Hot Apple Turnovers” can’t be used because of their obvious reference to climate change. “Sesame Seed buns” would be clear violation of the war on drugs.

All menu items would of course have to be approved by the nations healthy food czar, Michelle Obama. No ground beef, cheese, bread, could be used because of the war on obesity. No sugar would be allowed on the premises. No breaded fish or chicken could be used. Nothing with artificial coloring of flavoring or trans fat. No artificial sweeteners or creamers. The remaining menu items would have to be totally organic and produced by solar or wind energy.

Kids would be protected too. No toys tied to current movies because government can’t endorse one private enterprise over another. No plastics toys since they would be made of fossil fuels.

Fedburger Drive Thru?

The Fedburger drive thru would be restricted to 100% electric cars since the idling of convectional automobiles would contribute to CO2 gasses. Those high-income folks that use the drive through in environmentally friendly automobiles would receive a .02% carbon credit reduction in the price of their food or they could donate that to Person C above.

Some Final Thoughts

You might be asking yourself, “Who would ever eat in that kind of fast food restaurant?” The answer is — It really doesn’t matter. Fedburger, being a government run operation, doesn’t have to make a profit. It can lose money all day long and just appropriate a new budget from Congress every year.

All the employees would be union of course. They would have healthcare, childcare allowance, maternity leave, paid vacations, and travel allowance. They would receive the added bonus of carbon credit discounts on all their food purchases.

I believe a lot more people would start their own businesses if they could run them like the government. After all you literally have nothing to lose. Your business couldn’t fail.

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