I moved to Bozeman in 1993. It’s no surprise that Bozeman is overhyped. Many people refer to it as “The Last Best Place on Earth.”

Before you start packing to come to this Northwestern Paradise let me clue you in to what you might be in for.

Here’s my ten reasons for you to stay where you are.

1.The People

People here have a real problem. They are friendly and outgoing. They smile a lot. Try to realize what a pain it is to walk down the street, and everyone gives you eye contact and a rousing “Hello how are you?” I often look behind me to see it they’re talking to someone else.

2. The Food

Trying to decide where to eat is a nightmare. Bozeman has just too damn many good restaurants. Most of the time you’ll be unable to make a decision, so you’ll just stay home and have cereal.

3. Farmer’s Markets

Every weekend the farmers come to down with their fresh vegetables at reasonable prices. This might be great if you’re some kind of vegan wacko — but who wants fresh when you can just open a can? Seems like a lot of trouble.

4. Don’t Bring Your Dog

Your dog will simply be unable to handle all the trails we have in Bozeman. Most vets treat dogs for exhaustion from all the trekking and climbing. It borders on animal cruelty.

5. Leave Your Camera Home

The Bozeman Psychiatric Centers are full of frustrated photographers trying to capture the views on film they see in real life. The sky is just too damn big here. You’d hate it. Everywhere you look is a view that’s simply uncapturable.

6. The Never-Ending Entertainment

You’ll quickly go broke trying to attend all the free and for pay entertainment that competes for your dollar every week. After a week your eyes will glaze over and you’ll wander around like a zombie.

7. No Four Way Stops in Bozeman

Sorry, all we have are roundabouts here. You’d hate it. It even takes the locals years to master the art of roundabout driving.

8. All Our Local Brews

You can’t swing a cat in Bozeman without hitting a brewery or distillery. You’ll have a hard time keeping up with all the local awesome new brews. Stay where you are where you only have two or three choices.

9. Pronunciation

You’ll be laughed out of town because you can’t correctly pronounce Havre, or Absaroka, Meagher, Beall Park or Lamme.

10. Too Many Parks

There are parks everywhere. Under Bozeman law every home gets its own park. Maybe not, but it seems that way. Who wants that much open space? You can’t make this stuff up.

Some Final Thoughts

I hate to burst the bubble of those who are calling the moving van and heading to the great Northwest.

This is not the place it’s cracked up to be. I hope these ten things will dispel the myth of Bozeman, Montana and convince you to stay where you are.