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More of My Favorite One-Liners

NEW YORK – APRIL 13: Steven Wright performs during the ‘Night of Too Many Stars: An Overbooked Benefit for Autism Education’ presented by Comedy Central at the Beacon Theatre on April 13, 2008 in New York City. (Photo by Scott Gries/Getty Images for Comedy Central)

With all the upheaval in the world these days it’s tough to find humor in any of it. But, just as days opposite is night; the opposite of sadness is humor. I’m not saying every news story is sad just 99 percent of them.

To lighten your load, and for those of you who need a good joke for a speech, or office meeting, I have come to your rescue. Here are a few more of my favorite one-liners to put a smile on someone’s face today.

Classic One-Liners

  • I like to always carry two sacks around. That way, if someone asks me to lend them a hand, I can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
  • Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.
  • Childhood is like being drunk; everyone remembers what you did, except you.
  • I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.
  • “There were a couple girls banging on my bedroom door all last night. What’s a guy to do? I had to let them out.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  • “I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.” – Mitch Hedberg
  • Rice is really great if you want to eat 1,000 of something.
  • “I used to have a parrot that talked. But it didn’t say it was hungry, so it died.” – Mitch Hedberg
  • I’m against picketing; I just don’t know how to show it.
  • “My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic, doesn’t it?” – Stewart Francis
  • I can tell how much my parents loved me by the memory that my favorite bath toy as a child was — a toaster.
  • “Last night I stayed up late and played poker with tarot cards, I got a full house and six people died.” – Stephen Wright
  • Anytime I see an autobiography on the shelf I just skip to the “About the Author” section.
  • I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but then I said “Heck with that, I’ll get a tan instead.”
  • “I used to work at a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.” – Steven Wright
  • “I think it’s wrong only one company makes the game Monopoly.”– Steven Wright
  • A short psychic broke out of jail earlier. Police are looking for a small medium at large!
  • As the police were chasing a dwarf from Czechoslovakia, he knocked on the door of an old banker friend and asked, “Would you please cache a small Czech?”
  • Leanne Rimes. No it doesn’t.
  • “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.” — Steven Wright
  • I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

Some Final Thoughts

Most comedy is misdirection. It sends you somewhere then snaps you back — laughing. All of you have probably heard one or more of the one-liners above. They’ve all been around for years. But no matter how many times you hear them they still bring a smile to your face.

What’s your favorite family friendly one-liner??

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