More of My Favorite One-Liners
With all the upheaval in the world these days it’s tough to find humor in any of it. But, just as days opposite is night; the opposite of sadness is humor. I’m not saying every news story is sad just 99 percent of them.
To lighten your load, and for those of you who need a good joke for a speech, or office meeting, I have come to your rescue. Here are a few more of my favorite one-liners to put a smile on someone’s face today.
- I like to always carry two sacks around. That way, if someone asks me to lend them a hand, I can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
- Childhood is like being drunk; everyone remembers what you did, except you.
- I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.
- “There were a couple girls banging on my bedroom door all last night. What's a guy to do? I had to let them out.” - Rodney Dangerfield
- "I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that." - Mitch Hedberg
- Rice is really great if you want to eat 1,000 of something.
- "I used to have a parrot that talked. But it didn’t say it was hungry, so it died." - Mitch Hedberg
- I'm against picketing; I just don't know how to show it.
- "My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic, doesn't it?" - Stewart Francis
- I can tell how much my parents loved me by the memory that my favorite bath toy as a child was — a toaster.
- “Last night I stayed up late and played poker with tarot cards, I got a full house and six people died.” - Stephen Wright
- Anytime I see an autobiography on the shelf I just skip to the “About the Author” section.
- I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but then I said “Heck with that, I’ll get a tan instead."
- “I used to work at a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.” - Steven Wright
- “I think it’s wrong only one company makes the game Monopoly."– Steven Wright
- A short psychic broke out of jail earlier. Police are looking for a small medium at large!
- As the police were chasing a dwarf from Czechoslovakia, he knocked on the door of an old banker friend and asked, "Would you please cache a small Czech?"
- Leanne Rimes. No it doesn't.
- “It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.” — Steven Wright
- I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.
Some Final Thoughts
Most comedy is misdirection. It sends you somewhere then snaps you back — laughing. All of you have probably heard one or more of the one-liners above. They’ve all been around for years. But no matter how many times you hear them they still bring a smile to your face.
What’s your favorite family friendly one-liner??