Tom’s Favorite One-Liners

Over the next couple of weeks I will have the honor to sit in for Mark Allen on the KMMS morning show while he is out with hip replacement surgery. One of the many things a morning host has to do is come up with things to talk about for the times when there are no guests. KMMS subscribes to a couple of services that provide everything from, “This Day in History” to weird news, funny news, late night sound bites and news of the day. But I like to add a little something more.

A common term in stand up comedy is called a “one-liner.” It’s a single sentence that either brings a smile, or makes you scratch your head and ask, “What did he say??” For example, when I’m on the air between 6-7 AM I might ask listeners to, “Honk, if you love peace and quiet.”

Here are a few of my favorites that I toss out every now and then.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7^th of your life.
• If a mime is arrested does he still have the right to remain silent?
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how popular it is?
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
• What do you do when you see an endangered species eating an endangered plant?
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Empty, and wash out, a mayonnaise jar but leave the label on; fill it with vanilla pudding — eat in public.

Here are some zingers borrowed from my pal Professor QB:

• I am listening carefully, but WHO IS THIS PERSON who changes the menu options every time I call — and for every company?
• I can't face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
• Hey moms! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home, be lying on the floor screaming in pain and yell, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"
• Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. I read that online somewhere.
• Man… These croutons are the best things since dried bread!
• Some mornings I just want to brew the coffee directly into my mouth.
• Just saw a commercial for "affordable napkins" and now I feel stupid for buying all these diamond-encrusted ones.
• Just unrolled my burrito, and now I'm having bean pizza.
• A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything — was last year.
• I'm really sick of making my dog a birthday cake every 52 days.
• Spoiler alert: The company that's paying for the commercial always wins the taste test.
• I'm going to order the swordfish in case there's a food fight.

Some Final Thoughts

OK, so some of them just make you groan. But that’s not so bad either. I will bet that you will be saying some of these around the water cooler today and silently smile to yourself at how funny and cool your co-workers think you are. Your secret is safe with me.