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Tom’s Favorite One-Liners

(Photo by John Moore/Getty Images)

Over the next couple of weeks I will have the honor to sit in for Mark Allen on the KMMS morning show while he is out with hip replacement surgery. One of the many things a morning host has to do is come up with things to talk about for the times when there are no guests. KMMS subscribes to a couple of services that provide everything from, “This Day in History” to weird news, funny news, late night sound bites and news of the day. But I like to add a little something more.

A common term in stand up comedy is called a “one-liner.” It’s a single sentence that either brings a smile, or makes you scratch your head and ask, “What did he say??” For example, when I’m on the air between 6-7 AM I might ask listeners to, Honk, if you love peace and quiet.”

Here are a few of my favorites that I toss out every now and then.

  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • If a mime is arrested does he still have the right to remain silent?
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how popular it is?
  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
  • What do you do when you see an endangered species eating an endangered plant?
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  • Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  • He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Empty, and wash out, a mayonnaise jar but leave the label on; fill it with vanilla pudding — eat in public.

Here are some zingers borrowed from my pal Professor QB:

  • I am listening carefully, but WHO IS THIS PERSON who changes the menu options every time I call — and for every company?
  • I can’t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
  • Hey moms! Here’s a fun game to play: When your kid gets home, be lying on the floor screaming in pain and yell, “YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!”
  • Life is more exciting when you’re out there living it. I read that online somewhere.
  • Man… These croutons are the best things since dried bread!
  • Some mornings I just want to brew the coffee directly into my mouth.
  • Just saw a commercial for “affordable napkins” and now I feel stupid for buying all these diamond-encrusted ones.
  • Just unrolled my burrito, and now I’m having bean pizza.
  • A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything — was last year.
  • I’m really sick of making my dog a birthday cake every 52 days.
  • Spoiler alert: The company that’s paying for the commercial always wins the taste test.
  • I’m going to order the swordfish in case there’s a food fight.

Some Final Thoughts

OK, so some of them just make you groan. But that’s not so bad either. I will bet that you will be saying some of these around the water cooler today and silently smile to yourself at how funny and cool your co-workers think you are. Your secret is safe with me.

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